The War Restaurant AU!
by QueenPotatos
Summary: Everything is in the tittle. Crack HashiMada.


Due to recent scans, I think we all need to put our brain aside and enjoy some HashiMada crack.

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**The War Restaurant AU! (and I may or may not change this shitty title)**

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The bell rang the end of the morning classes – and Hagoromo sensei sighed, this had been quite the morning, if you'd ask him. The second years were particularly hard to handle lately, at this time of the year. And for what good reason! It was…

Valentine's Day!

Oh, no, he didn't mind the absence of chocolate on his desk – it'd got one little rabbit for sure but he already knew from who he'd come from and couldn't take any glory out of this – but this very class had one unique characteristic that had quite an impact on the girl's population, especially at this time of the year.

Well, he'd rather say they were two.

"Uchiha-kun!"

"Senju-kun!"

"Please give these chocolates to your older brothers!" All the girls said at once, giving Izuna and Tobirama tons and tons of chocolate boxes. Poor boys, the Sage thought. They weren't ugly, far from it, but their older brothers were just gorgeous, and nothing could compare to their beauty – every single woman ended up giving in their good looks.

Hagoromo observed the two of them reacting to the gifts. Izuna, as always, was smiling and saying thanks. He was the splitting image of his brother concerning his looks, but in the matter of personality he was quite the opposite. Madara Uchiha – the Uchiha heir – was indeed still in high-school, a year over him, spending the last months of his scholarship; but his attitude scared most of the girls and obliged they to always turned to Izuna for that kind of matters. And the younger brother was always more than happy to help and talk about his precious Nii-san – Hagoromo remembered a work he had done in middle school, about the thing they love the most and Izuna had written an entire essay about how Nii-san was perfect and should rule the world; honestly it was a bit creepy but the sage had chosen to ignore this, after all Izuna was only a child and didn't know what _'massacring all of the Senju'_ and _'torturing ever one who wouldn't agree with Nii-san'_ really meant.

(At least he hoped so)

On the other hand Tobirama had put his grumpy cat face when girl had started to approach him. He accepted the chocolate without a gentle word, and as soon as he was left alone, picked up his phone.

"It's me." He whispered, trying to be as discreet as possible. "You've got 25 boxes this years and I-"

"25 boxes?!" Izuna interrupted his speech unexpectedly. He already had his mouth and hands full of melting chocolate. "This is more than Nii san!"

The dark haired boy tried to steal one box and to run away but Tobirama caught him by the collar. The boy was far smaller than him – thanks his late puberty – and he had no trouble dragging him toward the roof. The fact that Izuna wasn't protesting helped just as much.

"I only got 21." Izuna cried softly, after counting one by one the chocolate he had been given.

"You didn't get anything. Just like me." Corrected Tobirama. "Your brother did. My brother did. And what are you doing here anything? I told you to get lost." He had already forgotten that he had been the one dragging him here in first place.

"But Nii-san is so much better than Hashirama! Did you know he was born with 12 toes?!"

Tobirama glare at him, not even impressed, not even caring, and resumed to eat his lunch as if he was alone – as usual. It seemed he couldn't get rid of that clingy boy – and trust him, he had tried, a lot.

Tobirama's phone vibrated into his pocket.

"Are you going to take part in tonight's battle?" Izuna asked him.

It was a text from Hashirama. He was coming over to get his chocolates. Great. Tobirama sighed. His brother maybe thought this wasn't obvious; but sincerely Tobirama had enough of Hashirama's schemes.

"Pap's gonna do some pasta, like in _'the Lady and the Tramp' _kissing scene. And a free glass of red wine." The younger of the two went on. He was still being ignored, but it was only daily routine for him. And he knew that, even if he pretended not to listen to his words, Tobirama could hear him – he had no choice after all, his ears being entirely functional.

"Why are going telling me all this?" See? He was listening. "I am part of the other team."

"That's the point. Since you're the waitress of the other team I thought it would be fair if we both start the battle with a handicap."

Tobirama spitted out part of his lunch. "Are you implying that I'm the handicap?"

"Yes."

"Jeez." Tobirama rolled his eyes and took another bite of what Hashirama had prepared for him this morning. "Why are you always staying with me? You're a dick."

"You're a dick too." Izuna retorted.

"Yeah," he admitted. "But at least I'm not pretending I'm not."

"I'm not pretending I'm not a dick."

"Then what about your…" Tobirama put his chopsticks down and showed him his own face.

Izuna frowned. "Is there a problem with my face?" His mouth was full of chocolate, so were his hands; and when he touched his cheeks with them so were they. Tobirama only sighed tiredly and stood up. He didn't need to turn around to know that Izuna would follow him. It had always been like that anyway, why would it change now?

They spent the rest of the break quietly together – they could only hear Izuna eating his brother chocolate.

"What?" the gourmet said, when he caught his friend's accusing look. "Nii-san doesn't like milk chocolate."

"Thank god you told me that! I was _dying_ to know such _important details_ about your brother's taste in _food._" He said with a sarcastic tone – and he was even more annoyed by the fact that someone close from him would have actually killed for that kind of information.

As they walked back into class they bumped into a group of girls, hidden behind a corner, waiting for something apparently – or someone. That wasn't very hard to guess. Tobirama easily recognized the most determined and fearless member of his class, holding some chocolate heart-shaped boxes in their hands. Soon after, the object of their yearning showed up. And of course, the first one to jump at his feet was…

"NII-SAN!"

(Izuna had actually tackled every single girl who had been in his way.)

Madara arched an eyebrow. "What's on your face?" he asked softly, kindly, and Tobirama could swear the girls behind them had just _melt_ just by hearing the gentleness in his voice – he rarely used that tone when he wasn't talking to Izuna; it was indeed a very rare phenomenon.

"Hum, a nose. And eyes. Oh!" Izuna ran his hand on his pouted lips, cleaning the chocolate that was left. "Nothing more! I swear I didn't eat _anything_. Promised. Here," he hold his pinky in the air. "I pinky promised."

Madara didn't say anything; instead he knelt in front of his younger brother and took a tissue out of his pocket. He spat on it and started to clean Izuna's dirty cheeks.

The whole high school seemed to be gathered in the hall way – at least, the feminine crew and some boys too, Tobirama noticed – and due to the cuteness of the scene half of them passed out. The nursery was full within minutes and Madara was summoned to the headmaster's office, again.

Finally the last bell rang the end of class for the day. Tobirama tried to get up quickly and to avoid people eyes and inquiries and-

"So you're gonna participate in the battle this week?"

"What are you gonna bet this time?"

"Is your brother going to cook tonight? I love his cooking!"

"Why is your hair so white if you're so young?"

And when he thought his silence had avoided him any kind of trouble, a cry resonate far away from them. A fangirl cry.

His phone vibrated again. His brother was here.

"Look!" some said, too much enthusiastically for Tobirama's taste. "The Prince is back!"

"Prince Hashirama is back!"

And yes, he was, politely refusing an autograph to Danzo and smiling devilishly to every single human being drooling on him. Tobirama couldn't even begin to understand how he could do that. It wasn't just his looks; Hashirama had been the student president during the three years of high school and, from what he had heard, he had done quite an amazing job. That, plus the fact that his father was a very well-known Asian cook added to his magnetism. Everybody seemed to always gather around him, every time – and being his brother kind of sucked, badly.

Well, there was an exception - of course there is always one otherwise it's not funny! – to his brother's insolent success; and this exception was called Madara Uchiha.

The guy was actually pretty gloomy. He only wore dark clothes, always looked kind of pissed or bored or depressed or like he didn't give a fuck about other human beings and still, people surprisingly gathered around him too – it was like a black hole, or dark substance, for Tobirama it was a complete mystery.

"Don't over think this too much." Mito had told him one day. "People just like mysterious and dark character."

The fact that his father ruled a European gastronomic restaurant and that his mother was said to be part of the Sicilian mafia helped the mystery part quite a lot. But still, with those two Tobirama had ended up thinking he would never understand women.

Anyway, the two restaurants were facing each other in a very popular street, just next to the high school and the two owners had started that little game, years ago.

Now even their own sons were implied in the battles and rivalries. And both fathers had been lucky to have old sons gifted with golden hands and strong culinary personalities – that only made the battle more entertaining; people were even making bet, which was probably the Uchiha Mama's idea.

But there was one little detail that couldn't have been controlled, and which was compromising the well-being of this fragile balance…

Once Hashirama managed to get out of the crowd without losing half of his clothes, he took Tobirama by the arm and dragged him in a deserted room.

"Where is he?" he asked urgently.

"Hi brother. I put your chocolate in a trash can on the roof. You can keep them if you want, and oh no don't thank me really it was nothing at all. Me? I am alright! Got nothing this year again but it's not…you know. I'm not affected."

Hashirama dramatically grasped his shoulder and looked at him, straight in the eye. "Quantity isn't the most important. It's _who_ gives you the chocolate that really matters."

"Well in that case that 'who' is non-existent so can you please shut up and stop using me as an excuse to drop by here to spy on your worst enemy favorite son?"

"He is here!" Izuna's voice came from being the door, and Hashirama literally jumped as he witnessed the younger brother dragging – apparently against his will – his precious Nii-san towards them. Madara sent him a death glare. Tobirama was glad that he wasn't the only one thinking that all of this wasn't funny.

"What do you want, _again_?" barked Madara – his ordinary tone.

Hashirama straightened his back, gaining a few more centimeters. He wanted for Madara to be up on his feet and, solemnly – again, yes Hashirama liked to dramatize things – he put a white headband out of his pocket and tidied it behind his head. The words _'Date me'_ could now be read on his forehead.

"I challenged you tonight!"

"!" would have said Izuna's buddle if this fanfic was in fact a manga.

Madara did the same, and put his headband as well – with the word _'Go to Hell' _ written on the front.

"You don't have a chance, Senju! I'll be in charge of dessert tonight."

"Woa." Tobirama whispered. "He had planned the whole thing, again."

"Then I'll make the dessert too!" yelled Hashirama, ignoring every single human being that wasn't Madara at this very moment.

"Fine."

"Fine!"

"…See you tonight then?"

"Well I'm going straight to the restaurant so we can walk back together."

"What a wonderful idea."

"So how was your day? Finals are near for you, aren't you a little bit stressed?" asked Hashirama kindly. "With the restaurant and all…you know."

"I am a genius. Nothing scares me. I am not going to fail like _someone_ I know."

Hashirama laughed loudly and patted him on the shoulder. Both of the younger brother looked at them leaving the classroom, nearly leaning into his other's embrace, talking casually as if they weren't the worst culinary enemies in the _entire town_.

…Well, the town was kinda small. It was more like, a village. A small village.

"Grrr." Tobirama heard Izuna groaned behind him. "The mission had failed again! At this rate they will never date!" Tears where coming out of his eyes.

"Do you still spend all your free time plotting against your brother's back to get him laid with my own older brother who is head over hills for him?"

Izuna nodded shamelessly.

"That's why you only got F grades?"

Again he nodded.

Both friends – because YEAH, they were friends, whenever Tobirama wanted it or not – sat on the deserted room, and when the sun was nearly disappearing and before they had the chance to get locked inside their own school, Tobirama got the best idea of his entire life – according to Izuna.

"I have a plan."

"You have a plan!"

"Stop repeating what I've just said for a second." Tobirama muttered. His face came back to normal when he saw Izuna's puppy eyes. He told him his evil plan and Izuna's eyes widened.

"You want to drug him?!"

"I didn't say that! I said that it's Valentine's Day and that there is this free red wine bottle thing and that if you could steal them and make him drunk he would-"

"That's so brilliant! Tobirama you are brilliant! Not as much as Nii-san but you are awesome! The love potion! That's what we need!"

"…Izuna. Shut up."

So that was the plan. To get Madara completely drunk so he could confess his undying love for Hashirama. It looked quite simple, but nothing really was with these two families!

And tonight's battle wasn't going to prove this universal rule wrong!

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Next time on the War Restaurant AU : The Valentine Battle!


End file.
